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  1. jane August 30, 2012 @ 6:44 pm

    I would love to be a fly on the wall for the interview that you scored from this stellar cv. Oh, the questions! Did you get the job on the spot or were you called in for a second interview? And of course I wonder about whether the references were requested, and called. “Hi, I’m calling about a, ahem, position Starfish has applied to recently, and uh…what can you tell me about her performance?”

    That is what most dating sites look like these days. A bunch of well-polished resumes. I wish I was attracted to that shiny shit. I long for the days of smoky, poorly lit motorcycle bars where everybody knows your shame.

Love Resume

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On a lighter note, I was rummaging around in my folders and found this old resume I wrote and submitted in response to a personals ad. Believe it or not, I got a date out of it, ha ha ha! Here it is:

SUMMARY

34 year old, funny, slightly cynical dyke looking for hot sex with a sexy, sarcastic, fun, artsy femme who appreciates cute Asian butch girls trying to find a date on Craigslist.

SKILLS

• Chauffeur experience with both truck and motorcycle
• Ability to cook really good scrambled eggs and hamburgers
• Good with animals, especially cats
• Excellent guitar player, singer, writer of dark rock, alternative post-punk songs with drummer pal in local two-piece band
• Expert in various types of relationships, including serious love affairs, flings, one-night-stands, and platonic friendships with underlying sexual tension

EXPERIENCE

Girlfriend, San Francisco, CA 1999-2000
Endured fiery, high maintenance, dancer femme who broke up with me every time she was pre-menstrual. Answered every booty call (3-4 times per week) promptly and efficiently no matter how late at night. Was forced to buy and wear thick-soled boots, so that she could wear heels and not be taller than me.

Girlfriend, San Francisco, CA 1996-1998
Endured rocky non-monogamous relationship with quirky book-obsessed, ex-go-go dancer, high maintenance femme who tried to pick up all sorts of people constantly, even on MUNI and at festivals. Escorted her back and forth from work every day to keep an eye on her.

Girlfriend, Ithaca, NY 1991
Came out with until-then straight goth girl, had short-lived, passionate affair, broke up in midst of homophobic friends and uncertainties of future.

Secret Admirer, Kingsport, TN 1975
Had secret crush on red-haired girl in first grade class. Also enjoyed playing with fire truck toy.

References available upon request.

starfish @ August 30, 2012

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